Sex is like, hard.

Well, that were shit. I posted on my story that I’d had the most embarrassing night of my life, and yes that was true, but a few days have passed and now I’m now less dramatic. So, here goes, this is the story of some sex I had.

It begins with me re-downloading Tinder after being banned from my old account because I posted a blurred nude ;). Don’t do it kids. So, this one match was very cute-looking, and we started texting, but it wasn’t sexual at all. I felt like he was a shy-boy and I don’t always want to be perceived as this sex-crazed girl, so we just talked about life. Then, a few days later, I get the hint he wants to come over, and I’m like yeeeaaah let’s go.

Context: I have not had a shag in 7 months after I was waiting for a boy that evidently kept me waiting for too long, so boy bye. I’m ready to pounce.

He comes round legit 30 minutes later, and I was expecting a little bit of a chat and then make our way up to kissing and beyond, because we really didn’t know each other. Instead, he sat on my side of the bed pretty much and kinda eased me over and started kissing and grinding straight away. Now, I was very surprised, but totally up for this, however the next bit came a bit fast. Undressed me and went down on me in like 60 seconds, which is good, but I just wasn’t feeling it. I mean, physically I don’t feel a lot in my privates anyway, so that’s why a boy has to be a bit aggressive with me. I will not fault his technique; there was hair pulling and good tongue and finger action, but I think I was too overwhelmed to really notice it.

I’d like to point out here that this is all what I normally like, hot, fast, sweaty sex is my thing, and I usually don’t need to know the boy to be able to enjoy my time. However, I think I have changed, and that my friends, is pissing me off. I don’t know whether it is the fact I went so long between bouts, or that I was kinda committed to this previous boy, but now, apparently, I can’t take sex without the romance.

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You may have noticed that we’re only on the foreplay stage, and that’s because the actual sex was a nightmare. All was well, although I could feel that we weren’t really in rhythm, and then we changed positions and there was a fair amount of blood. My period was a week ago and I’m very regular, and I had felt no pain whatsoever, so god knows what it was. We tried another position but it was just bloody and I needed a break. Wiped myself down and just laid and chatted for a bit. Tried again and nope still blood. Stopped and gave it 30 mins.

During this second chat I mentioned my Lovehoney purchases, and we thought, let’s try the butt plug. He put it in me and it went in really quickly and no pain at all, then we tried doggy. I have no clue what he was doing back there but he was like “uh got a problem”. The damn handle of the butt plug had gone all the way in, so it needed a rapid response to take it out.

So I had to go to the loo, shit it out, and yeah there was still blood (still just my vagina not my butthole), so I just said I can’t do this anymore, the sexy mood had left 15 minutes ago and I was just not feeling it. So, because I love giving blowjobs, I did something I’ve never done which is a blowie kneeling down, and got my first facial :), which was kinda hot.

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Phew, ok that was a lot of events, let me break it down. Throughout this whole saga, the boy was exactly what I needed him to be; nonplussed, good-natured and supportive. After the action, he stayed and chatted for a good while, so props to the gentleman. However, I shan’t be seeing him again, as I wasn’t madly attracted to him and I don’t think round two would improve anything, but thanks for the facial bro x.

And what have I learnt: numerous things.

• My arsehole is an elastic band apparently, and I need to be careful of what gets swallowed in there.

• I need to see a doctor about the bleeding, because an hour of bleeding after not that rigorous sex is not normal amd could be something going on down there, even if I still don’t feel any pain.

• And, I now know I have to spend a bit of time with the guy before I can sleep with him. As a wise friend said while I was having a crying fit because I was so embarrassed and just confused, it’s ok not to like one night stands. I don’t need to be this cool, aloof woman who can flit between boys and terrified to be seen as clingy. I’m still not really looking for a relationship nor do I catch feelings easily, but I just need to take my time and feel comfortable in who I am (sorry that is cringy as hell but can’t think of another way to put it.

So I might be a little hard up, but I’m out of commission until I get myself checked, and slightly terrified of having sex again :)