One Bizarre Ride

Now on one hand, having shit sex is what created this blog, but on the other hand I really don’t want to keep having this shit sex. I say shit, it wasn’t that bad, more super weird, and here’s the story of my most recent shag.

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It starts with Tinder, us arranging purely a shag, but I wanted to go for a drink before because we were only texting for a day prior and the banter was not there. He picked me up and we went to bar and honestly all was well. The only odd thing was that he was a very smooth talker and relied on that rather than trying to be entertaining and funny. Yes, it’s just a shag but I don’t want you seducing me in your car hun x. On the 5 minute drive there, he put his hand on my thigh and kinda looked at me seductive (?) and his hand got slapped straight back off; there’s a time and a place and 5 minutes in wasn’t it.

So got back to mine, and one of the first things he did was take his top off. :/ . I’m sure many people like the way he looks, in fact he looks similar to many models, but I was so turned off by his looks at that point. Very chiseled jawline, gelled back hair and visible muscles are not my thing so I tend to like my boys big but big he was not. And considering best sex of my life was with a guy who I would call slightly skinny… what does that say about personality and technique trumping looks hmmm?

Then came the sex and it all went worse. Started kissing and the kissing technique was fine, but he kept stopping and coming back, and wouldn’t just snog for a bit. That spelled the tone for the rest of the night because everything was slow and “teasing” and I was not turned on for most of it. He tried to finger me but because all his touches were so slow and light, I genuinely couldn't feel much, so god knows what he was trying to fondle. After round 1 which was bad in its own way and more on that below, I had to ask for a proper fingering (which I haaaate asking for), and he went one finger in pink, one in stink and ate me out a bit. It wasn’t bad but didn’t curl his fingers enough to touch anywhere nice, so in general unsatisfied.

Back to the first foreplay, then came the first of many blowjobs and the introduction to his gooch. Now, I am 30+ boys down the line and this is my first gooch request, so I didn’t really know what I was doing, and boy did this boy like his gooch tickled. Not rubbed, not stroked, tickled. Bearing in mind I had quite long acrylic nails on at the time so could only use the pad of my fingers and I truly don’t think I did an amazing job. Again after round 1 there was some more foreplay so basically he was going to finish from my blowjob. Holy shit, hands down, the longest, most boring suck of my life. Normally guys like it from slow to fast with a fair bit of deep throating. Nope, this one wanted the same steady pace the whole time and not too deep and that bloody gooch. He commented that I looked bored and like yes... I was. Apparently he was “right there” and I kept stopping but I was booooored and so just finished himself off, uh whatevs.

Right, the main event boys and girls. Let’s start with the pleasant conversation that started with “I don’t use condoms”. Well, you do for me, son. Thus began a whine about how he’s been tested and has strong pull out game and that was real unsexy. No amount of begging is going to stop me having safe sex??? In the end I just said that it was a hard no from me and for him to stop with the nagging. Anyway, all the foreplay had been slow and gentle by this point and all I wanted was a good fuck. I was on top so I guess I made it a good fuck? Then did doggy and I never knew you could be bad at doggy but there you go. He was on his knees but his hips were too low so I felt like I was chasing him back, and we were just out of sync. He came then finally, although doing another pet peeve of mine; not giving me some sign he was coming :(. Then we went to the aforementioned ‘foreplay’, and he stayed the night after the briefest of cuddling.

During all this, he was rather...vocal. I wouldn’t say loud because the volume wasn’t excessive, but more high-pitched and moany, and honestly, reminded me of the sounds I make when I’m kind of faking it. As I’m sure you can imagine, I was trying not to laugh during this performance, but I did think to myself, what in the hell was I doing with him. He also asked me why I was so quiet, to which I replied, I guess quite cruelly, that I’m vocal when I enjoy it. Whoops.

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Now all of this I think comes down to taste rather than just writing it off as bad sex; I personally like my sex hard and frenzied most times, like the look and feel of a chubbier man, and wish they be present but not so vocal. However, here are the things that turned on the ick:

• He stayed the night, but didn’t cuddle, and because I wasn’t going to shag condomless, didn’t want morning sex, so fucking pointless. I would have been madder but honestly I got an alright sleep.

• Knowing I had work in an hour, asked what I was providing for breakfast.

• Asked if he could shower even though his place is ridiculously close.

• And the nail on the head....

Asked if I would see him again. A reasonable enough question…. If we hadn’t spent pillow talk saying how we have such different tastes in bed and that we weren’t really doing it for each other. He got quite offended at that and left soon after, and I saw he’s now blocked me on Insta. Lol.

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Absolutely none of these made any logical sense, and if I was a better woman, would have kicked him out the night before. He mentioned he had slept with over 100 girls, which I can kinda half believe, but that means at least some unsatisfied girls surely- I couldn’t have been the only one wanting more.

So that is the story. All in all not the most embarrassing shag of my life and not the worst but I have learnt a lesson; stay well away from boys who are pretty but have no chill.

Love,

Your still hard up gal x