"Can I get a blow job first?" and other shit shags

With thanks to Ms. M. D.'s suggestion, this post is the retelling of my worst three shags. The kind where you go to bed like "what the fuck was that?", because not every time can be full of rainbows and happiness.

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Coming in at number 3, is a boy from Freshers; three years ago when I was still a virgin but had been doing bits for a few months. We met at the club and not through Tinder like every other boy, and I took him back to the student halls. Seeing as I was still adamant my virginity *meant* something, we just did all the foreplay instead. All was well, apart from the fact that it wasn't straight-forward to get his clothes off? I had to wrestle his top off and he left his pants (trousers) on, while I was naked. That wasn't my only time with a partially clothed boy, and I really don't understand it; we're in bed, having sex and your bottoms are still around your ankles... are you in a hurry? Do you need a hasty escape? No, get naked and stay there.

However, the not-nakedness of the boy was not the real issue here, but rather the injury I sustained. Bearing in mind I was really not experienced at this point and was confused about what positions when. Sooo when I was sat on his face, as one does, and I didn't realise I was so close to the wall (there wasn't a headboard), I came up from the position, and whacked my chin on the brick wall. Like full-on smacked it. There was a bang, and at least he was trying not to laugh, because that hurt like a bitch. Honestly, the sexy bit wasn't even that bad, it was more quite embarrassing to have a massive bruise for a few weeks, and to this day, I still have a slight protrusion on my jaw bone.

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In second place, begins the actual bad sex. This was a Tinder boy who I then accidentally met at a nightclub and we kissed, but I was on the heavy part of my period and growing all my body hair for waxing, so that was a no-go. Then, maybe a week later we accidentally met again at a different club, silky smooth and perhaps ovulating, and so I decided it was fate. (Spoiler: it was not.) We went back to his vile-boy place, I'd say drunker-than-normal-drunk, but definitely no memory holes and I was still in control. I don't remember the foreplay too clearly, but I imagine it was fine?!?!? Alas, it was the penetrative thrusting that put me right off;

Very shallow strokes at the speed of light. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes a frenzied fucking is just what is needed, but this guy was on a whole nother level. I was happily lying there and he just started *literally* hammering away, maybe trying to invoke a queef? Fortunately for me, I did not deliver on that front. Apart from the fastest in-n-out in my life, what really sealed the deal for this bad night were the ill-fated words he uttered; "Have you come yet?".

Ooooft. It is pretty safe to say the bunny-rabbit thrust is very unlikely to provide any stimulation which would require me to get off, hun. I had also given absolutely no indication that I was anywhere near coming at that point; I was just living out the ride. So, because I was never going to answer 'yes' for the principle of it, I just laughed it off, and I think he was a tiny bit butthurt. Yet, what did he expect? 'Yes, I just came very quietly while you were turbo-ing away'. In these situations, you kind of have to laugh; which girl has answered yes to that, and if so, poor girl. I stayed the night and left early in the morning in my skirt, bra (it was a longish one ok), and jacket while getting cat-called by some builders, which was maybe the highlight of my night.

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Last, and certainly least best, is the 'professional' athlete, which of course comes to no surprise to anyone that they wouldn't be the best shag. When I say athlete, he gets paid to play a sport full-time, but it's not a very well-known sport; no media coverage or anything, so he has absolutely no right to be a tosser, yet here we are. He would actually be my first non-UK-citizen shag, and boy did he disappoint. We met on Tinder (duh), but didn't actually text about anything, because I was going through an extreme dick-hunting phase and didn't want to actually to talk to him, and I'm sure he didn't either. After a few weeks, I eventually went round to his (paid for by the team) apartment.

First impressions, he showed up in MASSIVE trackies and hoodie, and not the sexy dick-print stuff but stuff you don't leave the house in, and sliders. His sheets were not clean and the room was a very sad boy vibe, where the only lighting was the glow of the XBOX. We chat the shit and get to it; this boy is huge, like beer belly huge and rather hirsute, and in return, his dick was... not huge, about 5 inches I'd say.

I normally like my guys in the range of toned to slightly beefy, but definitely not fat. So, I'm slightly put off but willing to forge ahead in pursuit of a shagging. We kiss, and straight away guides my hand on his dick, asking for a blowjob. Now, I loooove giving bjs, I'm good at them and I like the power of giving them, but almost being demanded of them? Not impressed. But, I oblige and use my skills, only for him to ask if I can finish him down there and will do me for round two. At first I say whatever, but then I imagined there would not be a round two, so I say fuck it, fuck me. After his whining about the condom (*retches*), we get to work.

Now, I understand sometimes I can be slightly lazy in bed, expecting to lie there, but this boy did not touch me once. No foreplay, no actually holding me; bluetooth hands-free amirite? It was missionary to doggy to done. It also hurt a little bit, but I think that was just the state of my cervix at the time, as compared to his dick size. Anyway, he finishes and that is that- the only reason I stuck around was for a round two, if he really wanted his dick sucking, I'd deliver. However, there was no cuddling, no sexy talking, and I had no clue how to bring it up. We actually started watching some Netflix where I found out he lost his virginity at age 12 and has probably slept with over 100 girls... gross. I'm not shaming the amount, just the way he said it and the fact he doesn't. use. condoms!! And then shortly after, I left.

I think on that night, I was fairly blasé about how bad it was, but now looking back, I am seriously grossed out. Fair enough on his looks; it's my personal preference that dictated I found him unattractive, but I didn't realise someone that selfish in bed actually existed. I had been somewhat lucky then to go through my sexual life with guys who at least treated it as a 50/50 effort, and this was the first time where I truly felt like I was a hole for someone to use. I know I was also using him, but sex for me is about the whole night- the chatting shit, the foreplay, the enthusiasm, the trying-new-positions and the pillow talk. At least for that one night, you get a connection with someone. And instead I got the major ick.

This night was actually the reason why I created my private snapchat story; to tell this story, which morphed into this blog, sooo thanks to this knobhead?

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The only other slightly negative shag was Mr 30 seconds, seriously it was about 5 pumps, but the bants and the foreplay were good so makes up for it. Now, don't be feeling sorry for me, these two (the first wasn't even that bad) out of a good run of the others is not bad odds at all. Please laugh at my misfortunes and commiserate at my fails, but never fear, I'm staying positive about any and all future shags ;)

In conclusion, I wouldn't call myself hard up...but I'm warming up.